M
Contents of M:
(1882—1956)
British author
When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.
(1882—1956)
English author
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
(1869—1960)
English actor
Every morning I read the obits in The Times. If I'm not there, I carry on.
(1872—1933)
U.S. resort architect
Never drink from your finger bowl--it contains only water.
(1872—1933), The Cynic's Calendar, p. 1.
God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.
(1882—1956)
English writer
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.
Don't do anything you wouldn't be willing to explain on television.
(1858 — 1932) , physicianhumorist
An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman, standing; an American, pacing; an Irishman, afterward.
(1858 — 1932), physicianhumorist
Never carry your shotgun or your knowledge at half-cock.
(1858—1932), physicianhumorist
An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about.
(1858—1932), physicianhumorist
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food.
(1945--)
U.S. entertainer
I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
U.S. humorist
I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach.
Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma.
Laws are spider webs through which big flies pass and little ones get caught.
There is nothing more annoying than seeing how a well-said word dies in the ear of the fool to whom you said it.
(1890—1957)
U.S. editorwriter
By the time the youngest children have learned to keep the house tidy, the oldest grandchildren are on hand to tear it to pieces.
(1890—1957)
U.S. editorwriter
My theory, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
Accept everything about yourself — I mean everything;
You are you and that is the beginning and the end — no apologies, no regrets.
U.S. sci-fi author
Welcome thy neighbor to thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
(1953--)
U.S. comedian
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
U.S. comedian
(1953-- )
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
(1878—1937)
U.S. humorist
Don't cuss the climate. It probably doesn't like you any better than you like it.
(1878—1937)
U.S. humorist
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
(1878—1937)
U.S. humorist
The things that I can't have I want,/And what I have seems second-rate,/The things I want to do I can't,/And what I have to do I hate.
(1878—1937)
U.S. humorist, in Archy's Life of Mehitabel, 1933
I never think when I write; nobody can do two things at the same time and do them well.
(1878—1937)
U.S. humoristpoet
Bores bore each other, too, but it never seems to teach them anything.
(1878—1937)
U.S. poet
One of the most important things to remember about infant care is never change diapers in midstream.
(1878—1937)
U.S. poet and humorist
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
(1878—1937)
U.S. poet and humorist
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
(1878—1937)
U.S. poethumorist
If you get gloomy, just take an hour off and sit and think how much better this world is than hell. Of course, it won't cheer you up much if you expect to go there.
(1878—1937)
U.S. poethumorist
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
(1878—1937)
U.S. poethumorist
We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with.
(1878—1937), "Archy Says"
So unlucky that he runs into accidents which started out to happen to somebody else.
(1873—1931)
U.S. politician
The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.
(1892—1950)
U.S. poet and playwright
A person who publishes a book wilfully appears before the populace with his pants down.
Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it.
(1916--)
U.S. senator from Minnesota, author
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.
(1915—1992)
U.S. senator
I am going to introduce a resolution to have the Postmaster General stop reading dirty books and deliver the mail.
(1828—1909), The Ordeal of Richard Feverel
I expect that woman will be the last thing civilized by man.
(1912—1987), Hungarian humorist
Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.
(1912—1987), Hungarian writer and humorist
On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.
(1852—1933), Irish author
I am too much interested in other men's wives to think of getting one of my own.
(1852—1933), Irish author
It does not matter how badly you paint so long as you don't paint badly like other people.
(1852—1933), Irish author
My one claim to originality among Irishmen is that I have never made a speech.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
I hate all sports as rabidly as person who likes sports hates common sense.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
I've made it a rule never to drink by daylight and never to refuse a drink after dark.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
If I ever marry it will be on sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
Oh, well, I have always said I would be converted to any religion for a cigar and baptized in it for a box of them.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
(1880—1956)
U.S. journalist
Women do not like timid men. Cats do not like prudent mice.
(1880—1956)
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
(1880—1956), "What is Going on in the World," American Mercury (November 1933)
No one hates his job so heartily as a farmer.
(Life magazine, August 5, 1946)
The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians.
Life is pleasant and I have enjoyed it, but I have no yearning to clutter up the Universe after it is over.
(1891—1980)
U.S. writer
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
(1905—1980)
U.S. historian
This doctrine of the material efficacy of prayer reduces the Creator to a cosmic bellhop of a not very bright or reliable kind.
(1819—1891)
U.S. novelist
Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.
I don't know what a scoundrel is like, but I know what a respectable man is like, and it's enough to make your flesh creep.
(1930--)
U.S. comedian
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
(1917- ), Saturday Review, 1 February 1964
I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I wouldn't want one to bury my sister.
(1953--)
U.S. actor
I only have two rules for my newly born daughter: she will dress well and never have sex.
(1923--)
English dramatistauthor
When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory.
(1839—1919), Irish scholar
Ireland is a country in which the probable never happens and the impossible always does.
(1938-- )
U.S. etiquette authority
A young lady is a female child who has just done something dreadful.
American actress
I'm looking for the truth. The audience doesn't come to see you, they come to see themselves.
American actress
You never have sex the way people do in the movies. You don't do it on the floor, you don't do it standing up, you don't always have all your clothes off, you don't happen to have on all the sexy lingerie. You know, if anybody ever […]
(1689—1762)
English poet
I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it.
(1914--)
British Conservative politician
All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour.
Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.
(1931--), Irish actorwriter
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
(1901—1978)
U.S. anthropologist, in Quote, May 15, 1958
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible.
(1901—1978)
U.S. anthropologist
I do not believe in using women in combat, because women are too fierce.
(1887—1972)
U.S. poet
Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.
Billy Zane is someone that I met and is a fellow artist, and sometimes we work together, painting, however pretentious that might sound. It was really quite simple, though. We would just spend time together, hanging out, listening to music, or painting. […]
Find out what's really out there. I never said to be like me, I say be like you and make a difference.
I picked that (Marilyn Manson) as the fakest stage name of all to say that this is what show business is, fake. Marilyn Monroe wasn't even her real name, Charles Manson isn't his real name, and now, I'm taking that to be my real name. But what's real? You […]
I view my job as being someone who is supposed to piss people off. I don't want to be just one-of-the-guys. I don't want to be just a smiling face you see on television presenting some vapid kind of easily-digestible garbage. This is rock and roll. I want […]
I've always had the same level of excitement about making music, but now it seems so much more important because all of the blame that was put on me for Columbine. The entire incident, the way the media reacted, the people who were involved, the way I was […]
Im not saying that when I perform I'm Barry Manilow, but I'm also not killing kids and beating up dogs and things like that.
It is a great feeling to write a song, but to be able to perform it, it takes on a whole different light.
Part of me is afraid to get close to people because I'm afraid that they're going to leave.
The burden of originality is one that most people don't want to accept. They'd rather sit in front of the TV and let that tell them what they're supposed to like, what they're supposed to buy, and what they're supposed to laugh at. You have Beavis and […]
This is the culture you're raising your kids in. Don't be surprised if it blows up in your face.
We've always found that with people being so desensitized, things have to be really shocking and have to punch you in the face to get your attention. Then, once you've got their attention. You can say something they might remember.
When people say 'I want to be like you', I tell them if you want to be like me, then be yourself.
(April 1976)
About 95 percent of what's told you in confidence, you couldn't get anybody to listen to anyway.
(1911—1980)
U.S. communications theorist
There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.
(1911—1980)
U.S. communications theorist
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
(43—104), Roman epigrammatic poet
If fame is only to come after death, I am in no hurry for it.
(1943--)
U.S. comedian
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
(1943--)
U.S. comic actor
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either.
"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."
(342—291 B.C.), Fragments
A mother loves the child more than the father does, for she knows it's her own, while he but thinks it's his.
(342—291 B.C.), Greek playwright
Marriage, if one will face the truth, is an evil, but a necessary evil.
(1475—1564), Italian sculptorpainter
A good statue can be rolled downhill without damage.
(1533—1592), French essayist
A strong memory is commonly coupled with infirm judgment.
(1533—1592), French essayist
For more than 40 years I have been speaking prose without knowing.
(1533—1592), French essayist
It is easier to write an indifferent poem than to understand a good one.
(1533—1592), French essayist
Sits he on never so high a throne, a man still sits on his bottom.
(1533—1592), French essayist
Unless a man feels he has a good enough memory, he should never venture to lie.
(1533—1592), Works, Book II, "Apology for Raimond Semond"
Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.
Essays, 1580
When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened
U.S. journalist, author of The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen--but I keep trying to tell them.
They threaten me with lung cancer, and still I smoke and smoke. If they'd only threaten me with hard work, I might stop.
(Laws of Repentence), ca. 1195
Astrology is a disease, not a science.
(1904—1973)
English novelist
I love children. Especially when they cry--for then someone takes them away.
(1918—2002)
U.S. humorist and poet
One of the best things people could do for their descendants would be to sharply limit the number of them.
Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the possible exception of wrestling alligators.
The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk.
U.S. magazine writer
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.
(1905—1978)
U.S. poet
Housewives deserve well-furnished minds. They have to live in them such a lot of the time.
(1905—1978), The Love Letters of Phyllis McGinley, 1954
Sticks and stones are hard on bones/Aimed with angry art,/Words can sting like anything/But silence breaks the heart.
U.S. poetjournalist
Don't accept rides from strange men--and remember that all men are as strange as hell.
(1869—1960), Irish writer
The young don't know what age is, and the old forget what youth was.
(1839—1919), Irish scholar
In Ireland the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs.
(1918—2002)
English comedian
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
(1918—2002)
English comedian
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
(1918—2002)
English comedian
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
(1945--)
U.S. comedian
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
(1945--)
U.S. comedian
I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.
(1945--)
U.S. comedian
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
(1945--)
U.S. comedianactor
I gave my cat a bath the other day. He just sat there. Actually, I think he enjoyed it. It wasn't very fun for me, though. The fur kind of stuck to my tongue.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.
(1866—1934), writer
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
(1875—1955), German novelist
There are times and countries when the only place for an honest man is in jail.
(1854—1925)
U.S. Vice-President
I'm from Indiana, the home of more first-rate second-class men than any other state in the union.
(1866—1934), writer
Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after college.
(1866—1934), writer
There are seventy million books in American libraries, but the one you want is always out.
(1874—1965)
British novelist
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
(1874—1965)
British novelist
Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it.
(1874—1965)
British novelist
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
(1874—1965)
British novelist
Life is too short to do anything for one's self that one can pay others to do for one.
(1874—1965)
British novelist
The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones.
(1874—1965)
British novelist
There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
(1876—1933)
U.S. dramatistwit
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.