B
Contents of B:
(1842—1914)
U.S. writer
Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.
(1842—1914)
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.
(1842—1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete/Successfully in business. Cheat.
(1842—1914), in Gratton's Bitter Bierce
Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
(1842—1914), The Devil's Dictionary
A prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
(1897—1960), Observer (9 December 1953)
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
(14 July 1977)
If homosexuality were the normal way, God would have made Adam and Bruce.
(1917—1993)
English novelist
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
(1876—1969)
U.S. humorist
Remember, if you can get along with one woman, you can get along with more.
(1933--)
U.S. writer
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
(1933--)
U.S. writer
I have nothing definite to apologize for; I'm just sorry about everything in general.
(1933--)
U.S. writer
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I have nothing definite to apologize for; I'm just sorry about everything in general.
(copyright info: www.ashleighbrilliant.com)
It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.
(1870—1965), Presidential advisor
To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
(1870—1965), Presidential advisor, 1960
Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing.
(1872—1970)
British philosopher
War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
(1872—1970)
English philosopher
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
(1872—1970), The Observer, 1925
Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do so.
(1934--)
English novelist
There are so many ways of us dying it's astonishing any of us choose old age.
(1951--)
U.S. travel writer
Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of […]
(1923—1964), Irish writer
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
(1923—1964), Irish writer
There is no human situation so miserable that it cannot be made worse by the presence of a policeman.
(1923—1964), Irish writer
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
U.S. comedian
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
(1732—1799), French dramatist
It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.
(1820—1904), Summaries of Thought
There is probably no hell for authors in the next world...they suffer so much from critics and publishers in this.
(1952--)
U.S. writer, in "Thank You For Smoking"
I believe in cigarettes. I think we're overpopulated.
Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on earth. Does anybody want mine? I certainly don't.
U.S. TV talk show
Today is St. Patrick's Day; they say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.
U.S. columnist
An elected official is one who gets 51 percent of the vote cast by 40 percent of the 60 percent of voters who registered.
U.S. columnist
Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.
(August, 1975)
There's nothing like looking at vacation pictures to put guests in a traveling mood.
"Insect Aside", Dave Barry is NOT Making This Up, 1994
A snake should not be in your yard unless it has your written permission.
"Invasion of the Money Snatchers", Dave Barry Is NOT Making This Up, 1994
We must remember that for every instance of the government's demonstrating the intelligence of a yam, there is also an instance of the government's rising to the level of a far […]
(1947--)
U.S. humorist
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.
Bad Habits, 1982
For the past eleven years, American students have scored lower on standardized tests than European students, Japanese students and certain species of elk.
Bad Habits, 1982
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. By this definition, the amoeba, the mango, the frog, the squirrel, the bear, the begonia, and many lawyers are forms of Life.
U.S. humorist
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.
U.S. humorist
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
U.S. humorist
I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes.
U.S. humorist, in Bad Habits
The name "February" comes from the Latin word "Februarius," which means "fairly boring stretch of time during which one expects the professional ice-hockey season to come to an end but it does not."
U.S. comedian
When women are depressed their either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
U.S. comedienne
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
U.S. comedienne
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
(1806—1861)
English poetess, "Aurora Leigh"
A woman's always younger than a man of equal years.
(1927—1996)
U.S. humorist
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
(1927—1996)
U.S. humorist
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
(1927—1996)
U.S. humorist
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
(1927—1996)
U.S. humorist
It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
(1927—1996)
U.S. humorist
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
(1927—1996)
U.S. humorist
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
(1927—1996)
U.S. humorist
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
(1883—1983)
U.S. musician
Be grateful for luck. Pay the thunder no mind--listen to the birds. And don't hate nobody.
(1883—1983)
U.S. musician
If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.--Eubie [James Herbert]
Blake (1883—1983)
U.S. musician
Essays, "Of Seeing Wise."
The French are wiser than they seem, and the Spaniards seem wiser than they are.
Speaking of rapists, even the most diehard feminist must admit that's one thing men do better than women.
(1866—1951), poet
If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.
(1866—1951), poet
Men like to pursue an elusive woman like a cake of wet soap--even men who hate baths.
(1896—1996)
U.S. comedian
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
(1896—1996)
U.S. comedian
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
(1924--)
U.S. President
I have opinions of my own--strong opinions--but I don't always agree with them.
(1313—1375), Italian novelist
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
(1803—1869), French composer
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
(1838—1918)
U.S. historian
It is impossible to underrate human intelligence--beginning with one's own.
(1838—1918)
U.S. historian
No man likes to have his intelligence or good faith questioned, especially if he has doubts about it himself.
The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.
(1888—1939)
U.S. journalist
We have never understood the fear of some parents about babies getting mixed up in the hospital. What difference does it make if you get a good one?
(1888—1939)
U.S. journalist
Men build bridges and throw railroads across deserts, and yet they contend successfully that the job of sewing on a button is beyond them.
(1799—1850), French novelist
I do not regard a broker as a member of the human race.
(1799—1850), French novelist
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
(1899—1957)
U.S. actor
Nothing beats making love. It's the most fun you can have without laughing.
A slave has but one master; an ambitious man has as many masters as there are people who may be useful in bettering his position.
A vain man finds it wise to speak good or ill of himself; a modest man does not talk of himself.
At the beginning and at the end of love, the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone.
Avoid lawsuits beyond all things; they pervert your conscience, impair your health, and dissipate your property.
Between good sense and good taste there lies the difference between a cause and its effect.
Children have neither a past nor a future. Thus they enjoy the present, which seldom happens to us.
Even the best intentioned of great men need a few scoundrels around them; there are some things you cannot ask an honest ma to do.
Grief that is dazed and speechless is out of fashion: the modern woman mourns her husband loudly and tells you the whole story of his death, which distresses her so much that she forgets not the slightest detail about it.
I would not like to see a person who is sober, moderate, chaste and just say that there is no God. They would speak disinterestedly at least, but such a person is not to be found.
If our life is unhappy it is painful to bear;
if it is happy it is horrible to lose,
So the one is pretty equal to the other.
If some persons died, and others did not die, death would be a terrible affliction.
It is fortunate to be of high birth, but it is no less so to be of such character that people do not care to know whether you are or are not.
Life — is the thing people are trying hard to save and least of all take care of. .
Making a book is a craft, like making a clock; it needs more than native wit to be an author.
Man has but three events in his life: to be born, to live, and to die. He is not conscious of his birth, he suffers at his death and he forgets to live.
No man is so perfect, so necessary to his friends, as to give them no cause to miss him less.
No more we meet in yonder bowers Absence has made me prone to roving; But older, firmer hearts than ours, Have found monotony in loving.
One seeks to make the loved one entirely happy, or, if that cannot be, entirely wretched.
One should never risk a joke, even of the mildest and most unexceptional charters, except among people of culture and wit.
The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.
The great gift of conversation lies less in displaying it ourselves than in drawing it out of others. He who leaves your company pleased with himself and his own cleverness is perfectly well pleased with you.
The passion of hatred is so long lived and so obstinate a malady that the surest sign of death in a sick person is their desire for reconciliation.
The pleasure we feel in criticizing robs us from being moved by very beautiful things.
The regeneration of society is the regeneration of society by individual education.
The slave has but one master, the ambitious man has as many as there are persons whose aid may contribute to the advancement of his fortunes.
There are certain things in which mediocrity is intolerable: poetry, music, painting, public eloquence. What torture it is to hear a frigid speech being pompously declaimed, or second-rate verse spoken with all a bad poet's bombast!
There is no road too long to the man who advances deliberately and without undue haste; there are no honors too distant to the man who prepares himself for them with patience.
There is not in the world so toilsome a trade as the pursuit of fame; life concludes before you have so much as sketched your work.
Those who make the worst use of their time are the first to complain of its shortness.
To be among people one loves, that's sufficient; to dream, to speak to them, to be silent among them, to think of indifferent things; but among them, everything is equal.
We can recognize the dawn and the decline of love by the uneasiness we feel when alone together.
We must laugh before we are happy, for fear of dying without having laughed at all.
We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together.
We should keep silent about those in power; to speak well of them almost implies flattery; to speak ill of them while they are alive is dangerous, and when they are dead is cowardly.
When a book raises your spirit, and inspires you with noble and manly thoughts, seek for no other test of its excellence. It is good, and made by a good workman.
(1860—1937)
English novelist
It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else.
(1837—1921)
U.S. naturalist, in "Is It Going To Rain?"
I was born with a chronic anxiety about the weather.
America is a place where Jewish merchants sell Zen love beads to agnostics for Christmas.
(1862—1922), writer
Although man is already ninety percent water, the Prohibitionists are not yet satisfied.
(1899—1986), Argentinian author
Mirrors and copulation are abominable because they increase the number of men.
(1815—1885)
U.S. humorist
The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so.
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
Confess your sins to the Lord, and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
I haven't much doubt that man sprang from the monkey, but where did the monkey spring from?
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
It is easy to assume a habit; but when you try to cast it off, it will take skin and all.
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
Man was created a little lower than the angels, and has been getting a little lower ever since.
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
Nature never makes any blunders; when she makes a fool she means it.
(1818—1885)
U.S. humorist
There are two things in this life for which we are never fully prepared and that is twins.
(1818—1885), The Complete Works of Josh Billings, 1919
Don't borrow or lend, but if you must do one, lend.
U.S. humorist
Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.
U.S. humorist
My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey through life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
(1919—1885)
U.S. humorist
Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.
U.S. authorscreenwriter
New Yorkers are nice about giving you street directions; in fact, they seem quite proud of knowing where they are themselves.
(August 1988)
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it's been though a blender first.
It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.
(1911—1989)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
(1775—1863)
U.S. Congregational preacher
Oh Lord, grant that we may not despise our rulers; and grant, oh Lord, that they may not act so we can't help it.
(April 1976)
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we drop a bunch of clothes hangers.
U.S. actor
If we are not our brother's keeper, let us at least not be his executioner.
(1941--)
U.S. TV & film writer
Open marriage is nature's way of telling you you need a divorce.
(1782—1862)
U.S. President
It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't.
(1872—1956)
English writer
To mankind in general, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth stand out as the supreme type of all that a host and hostess should not be.
(1926--)
U.S. comedian
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like, cremated or anything.
(1916—2002)
U.S. writerbook critic
Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.
U.S. software strategist
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
(1862—1947)
U.S. educator
America is the best half-educated country in the world.
(1815—1898), German Chancellor
Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.
(1938--)
U.S. photographer
The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
(1896—1949), You and I, Act I
There is no such hell on earth as that of the man who knows himself doomed to mediocrity in the work he loves.
(1920—2004), Canadian writer, 1973
A Canadian is somebody who knows how to make love in a canoe.
(1821—1867), French poet
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed.
Canada is a county so square that even the female impersonators are women.
(1944-- )
U.S. novelist
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
(1944--)
U.S. novelist
Education is a wonderful thing. If you couldn't sign your name you'd have to pay cash.
(1944--)
U.S. novelist
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.
(1944--)
U.S. novelist
Sex is a pleasurable exercise in plumbing, but be careful or you'll get yeast in your drain tap.
(b. 1944)
U.S. author, playwright
My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there are praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.
I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.
(1889—1945)
U.S. humorist
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
(1889—1945)
U.S. humorist
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
(1889—1945)
U.S. humorist
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a big unchivalrous.
(1889—1945)
U.S. humorist
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
(1889—1945)
U.S. humorist
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
(1889—1945)
U.S. humorist
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about
(1889—1945)
U.S. humorist
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world: those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.
(1889—1945), US humorist
Merely as an observer of natural phenomena, I am fascinated by my own personal appearance. This doesn't mean that I am pleased with it, mind you, or that I can even tolerate it. I simply have a morbid interest in it.
(1889—1945), US humorist
The trouble with me is I can't worry. Damn it, I try to worry, and I can't.
(1989—1945)
U.S. humorist
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.
(1917—1994)
U.S. horror writer
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
Don't believe the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing--it was here first.
(1759—1796), Scots poet, "Epistle to Davie"
It's hardly in a body's pow'r,/To keep, at times, frae being sour.
Hard students are commonly troubled by gowts, catarrhes, rheums, cachexia, bradypepsia, bad eyes, stone, and collick, crudities, oppilations, vertigo, winds, consumptions, and all such diseases as come by over much sitting; they are for the most part […]
U.S. writer
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
(1953--)
U.S. comic
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
(1953--)
U.S. comic
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
(1953--)
U.S. comic
When Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner, then I'll clean the house.
U.S. comic
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
(1925-- )
U.S. columnist
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories--those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
(1925-- )
U.S. columnist
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
(1925--), New York Times (8 June 1965)
In June the air is full of advice. People are graduating and getting married and setting out on vacations, and it is the fate of these people to be battered with advice until they scream for mercy.
(1925--), New York Times, 1978
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they do it.
(1925--), Poor Russell's Almanac, 1972
The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
Habitual teetotalers. There should be asylums for such people. But they would probably relapse into teetotalism as soon as they came out.
(1835—1902)
Not only is there a [skeleton in every closet] but there is a [screw loose] in every skeleton.
Research tells us that 14 out of any 10 individuals like chocolate.
(1915--)
U.S. novelist
I am more stupid about some things than about others; not equally stupid in all directions; I am not a well-rounded person.
(1879—1961)
British conductor
Try everything once except incest and folk dancing.
(1879—1961), Beecham Stories, 1978
No woman is worth the loss of a night's sleep.
Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives.
Of all the toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled, and it makes a sound when you jump on it.
To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction--and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by.
(1900—1968)
U.S. actress
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
(1903—1968)
U.S. actress
Coke isn't habit-forming. I should know--I've been using it for years.
U.S. columnist, Washington Post
(1987)
There is no substitute for excellence. Not even success.
(1826—1877)
English social scientist
The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.
U.S. leadership guru
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
(1912—1977), Chicago Sun-Times (July 10, 1958)
We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
(1912—1977), scientist
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
(1757—1827)
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.
(1914--)
U.S. writer
No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death.
(1860—1925)
U.S. politician
If it weren't for the lawyers we wouldn't need them.
(1921—1947), German writer
Truth is like a well-known whore. Everyone knows her, but it is embarrassing to encounter her on the street.
(1925--)
U.S. baseball player
If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?
(1925--)
U.S. baseball player
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
(1920—1985), movie actor
People don't know my real self and they're not about to find out.