S
Contents of S:
(1900—1965)
U.S. diplomat
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
(1900—1965)
U.S. political leader
In America, any boy may become President and I suppose that's just the risk he takes.
(1900—1965)
U.S. politician
Eggheads, unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
(1900—1965)
U.S. politician
If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say `elevator', we say `lift'. . .they say `President', we say `stupid psychopathic git'. . . .
(1894—1987), classical guitarist
My prayer to the Lord every day, is this--I have been a great sinner. I do not deserve Heaven. Let me stay here.
He cracked granite of science giving no quarter neither to the teeth nor to the granite.
(1788—1860), German philosopher
The shortness of life, so often lamented, may be the best thing about it.
(469—399 B.C.)
Children nowadays love luxury, have bad manners, contempt for authority, disrespect for elders....
(469—399 B.C.)
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.
(1849—1912), Swedish writer
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
(1913—1981)
U.S. football manager
Football isn't a matter of life or death; it's much more important than that.
Each of Nature's organisms, when frightened or confused, reacts in a characteristic way: deer flee, blowfish swell up, and government emits pieces of paper.
(1895—1979), Catholic archbishop
The British never remember it, the Irish never forget it, the Russians never make it, and the Americans never learn from it.
U.S. comedian
I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.
The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good diseases.
U.S. comediennescreenwriter
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
(1890—1975)
U.S. baseball manager
Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in.
(1890—1975)
U.S. baseball manager for NY Mets
I'll never make the mistake of being seventy again!
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
(1834—1892)
Train your child in the way you now know you should have gone yourself.
(1922--)
U.S. cartoonist
Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
(1922—2000)
U.S. cartoonist, "Peanuts"
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
U.S. cartoonist, "Peanuts"
I've developed a new philosophy--I only dread one day at a time.
(1922—2000)
U.S. cartoonist, "Peanuts"
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.
You can sort of be married, you can sort of be divorced, you can sort of be living together, but you can't sort of have a baby.
U.S. comedian, on the Tonight Show, 1972
The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation is because I do it so badly.
(1855—1921)
U.S. novelist
Men hate to be misunderstood, and to be understood makes them furious.
(1887—1964)
English poet
A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed in keeping rabbits.
(1937--)
U.S. writer
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
(1935--), French novelist
I like men to behave like men. I like them strong and childish.
(1935--), French novelist
Men have more problems than women. In the first place, they have to put up with women.
(1878—1936)
U.S. journalist
There is but one way for a newspaperman to look at a politician, and that is down.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.
comedian
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea--massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
(1856—1950)
British playwright
Advice is like kissing: It costs nothing and it's a pleasant thing to do.
(1856—1950)
British writer
I don't know if there are men on the moon, but if there are, they must be using the earth as their lunatic asylum.
(1856—1950)
If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example.
(1856—1950), "Maxims for Revolutionists"
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.
(1856—1950), "The Impossible Irish," 1907
Put an Irishman on the spit and you can always get another Irishman to turn him.
(1856—1950), "The Shewing Up of Blanco Posnet"
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
(1856—1950), Irish author
I believe in the discipline of silence and could talk for hours about it.
(1856—1950), Irish author
If we have come to think that the nursery and the kitchen are the natural sphere of a woman, we have done exactly as English children come to think that a cage is the natural sphere of a parrot because they have never seen one […]
(1856—1950), Irish author
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
(1856—1950), Irish playwright
An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable.
(1856—1950), Irish playwright
I must have been an insufferable child; all children are.
(1856—1950), Irish playwright
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well dance with it.
(1856—1950), Man and Superman, 1903
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.
How many times I had been telling you, that you can get any number of enemies in front, but you shall not leave any of them behind.
(1863—1952), Articles and Essays
Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament.
(1863—1952), Soliloquies in England
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
(1934-- )
U.S. activist
America is an enormous frosted cupcake in the middle of millions of starving people.
(1934-- )
U.S. political activistjournalist
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
(aka Josh Billings)
(1815—1885)
U.S. humorist
Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.
(1779—1849)
English humorist
Inconsistency is the only thing in which men are consistent.
Harpists spend 90 percent of their lives tuning their harps and 10 percent playing out of tune.
I have learned throughout my life as a composer chiefly through my mistakes and pursuits of false assumptions, not by my exposure to founts of wisdom and knowledge.
Just as appetite comes by eating, so work brings inspiration, if inspiration is not discernible at the beginning.
My childhood was a period of waiting for the moment when I could send everyone and everything connected with it to hell.
The Church knew what the psalmist knew: Music praises God. Music is well or better able to praise him than the building of the church and all its decoration; it is the Church's greatest ornament.
Love is just a chemical reaction. But it's fun trying to find the formula.
Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by central heating.
(--1994)
U.S. computer scientistprofessor
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
U.S. comedy writer
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of […]
(1856—1925)
U.S. artist
A portrait is a painting with something wrong about the mouth.
(1902—1968)
U.S. novelist
Father and son are natural enemies and each is happier and more secure in keeping it that way.
(1902—1968)
U.S. novelist
The profession of book-writing makes horseracing seem like a solid, stable business.
(1962--)
U.S. comedian
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
"Thoughts on Various Subjects", 1711
Every man desires to live long, but no man would be old.
(1667—1745), Irish author
A very little wit is valued in a woman, as we are pleased at the few words of a parrot.
(1667—1745), Irish satirist
We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love on another.
(1879—1953), Russian dictator
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
U.S. director
Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break.
(1880—1932)
English biographercritic
The penalty for getting the woman you want is that you must keep her.
(1923--)
U.S. gossip columnist
No matter who you are or what you plan to do, learn to type!
(1865—1946)
U.S. essayistcritic
I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel.
(1865—1946)
U.S. essayistcritic, Afterthoughts, 1931
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
(1865—1946), Afterthoughts
Married women are kept women, and they are beginning to find it out.
(1865—1946), Afterthoughts, 1934
What's more enchanting than the voices of young people, when you can't hear what they say?
(1865—1946), All Trivia, 1949
I cannot forgive my friends for dying: I do not find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing.
(1865—1946), Last Words, 1933
How can you say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?
Man does not live by bread alone, but by additives and preservatives as well.
(1880—1932)
English biographercritic
The horror of getting up is unparalleled, and I am filled with amazement every morning when I find that I have done it.
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.
(1940--)
U.S. actor
I am one of those cliff-hanging Catholics. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that Mary was his mother.
I don't mind a cat, in its place. But its place is not in the middle of my back at 4 a.m.
(1855—1920), South African writer
It is delightful to be a woman, but every man thanks the Lord devoutly that he isn't one.
There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed.
(1694—1773)
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
(1694—1773), 1769
All I desire for my own burial is not to be buried alive.
(1694—1773), Letters, 1748
Wrongs are often forgiven, but contempt never is. Our pride remembers it for ever.
(1905—1982)
U.S. sportswriter
It is well known that the older a man grows, the faster he could run as a boy.
(1905—1982)
U.S. sportswriter
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.
(1896—1975)
U.S. mystery writer
There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.
(1751—1816), The Rivals
Our ancestors are very good kind of folks, but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.
"Famous Womanisms," U.S. comedian
A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"
Drugs. I can take them or leave them. But they're much more effective when I take them.
One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
(H. H. Munro) (1870—1916), short story writer
Never be a pioneer. It's the Early Christian that gets the fattest lion.
(1885—1951)
U.S. novelist
Our American professors like their literature clean and cold and pure and very dead.
(1885—1951)
U.S. novelist, to his small son
Don't you be a writer. Writing is an escape from something. You be a scientist.
(1771—1832), Scottish author
Cats are a mysterious kind of folk. There is more passing in their minds than we are aware of. It comes no doubt from their being so familiar with warlocks and witches.
(1771—1832), Scottish novelist
I like a Highland friend who will stand by me, not only when I am in the right, but when I am a little in the wrong.
(469—399 B.C.), Greek philosopherteacher
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(470—399 B.C.), Greek philosopherteacher
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.
(470—399 B.C.),Greek philosopherteacher
My advice to you is get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
(aka David Gerrold
U.S. sci-fi author)
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
(aka David Gerrold, US science-fiction author)
A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
(1771—1845)
English clergymanwriter
I am not fond of expecting catastrophes, but there are cracks in the universe.
(1771—1845)
English clergymanwriter
In composing, as a general rule, run your pen through every other word you have written; you have no idea what vigor it will give your style.
(1771—1845)
English clergymanwriter
It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding.
(1771—1845)
English clergymanwriter
Lord Dudley was one of the most absent men I think I ever met in society. One day he met me in the street, and invited me to meet myself. 'Dine with me today; dine with me and I will get Sydney Smith to meet you.' I […]
(1771—1845), His Wit and Wisdom, 1900
Poverty is no disgrace to a man, but it is confoundedly inconvenient.
Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love.
(1920--)
U.S. psychotherapist, in The Second Sin
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
1066 And All That
For every person wishing to teach there are thirty not wanting to be taught.
(1879—1955)
U.S. poet, in Opus Posthumous, 1957
A poet looks at the world as a man looks at a woman.
(November, 1962)
Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.
(1564—1616), Henry VI Part II, 15978
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
King Henry VI, pt. 2, act 4, sc. 7
Thou hast most traitorously corrupted the youth of the realm in erecting a grammar school.
(1927—2000)
U.S. Secretary of Treasury
The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose.
(1901—1980)
U.S. bank-robber
I always figured that being a good robber was like being a good lawyer.
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.