T
Contents of T:
(1809—1892), "Maud," line 131
However we brave it out, we men are a little breed.
(1890 — 1961)
British writer
If one cannot invent a really convincing lie, it is often better to stick to the truth.
(1867—1957), Italian conductor
I had my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I have never had time for tobacco since.
I don't know if I can live on my income or not--the government won't let me try it.
(1935--)
U.S. verse columnist
Even today, well-brought up English girls are taught to boil all vegetables for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests comes without his teeth!
(1935--)
U.S. verse columnist
The shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between the milk and the yogurt.
(1887—1956)
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
U.S. novelist
The real problem is what to do with the problem-solvers after the problems are solved.
(1817—1862)
U.S. philosopher
City life: millions of people being lonesome together.
(1817—1862)
U.S. philosopher
Methinks we might elevate ourselves a little more. We might climb a tree, at least.
(1817—1862)
What's the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?
May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread nor drink whisky, but be tormented with itching without benefit of scratching.
(1894--), Life (March 14, 1960)
I used to wake up at 4 AM and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
(1894--), Life (March 14, 1960)
Let the meek inherit the earth--they have it coming to them.
(1894--), Observer, 1 July 1956
Ashes to ashes and clay to clay, if the enemy don't get you your own folks may.
(1894—1961)
U.S. humorist
All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first.
(1894—1961)
U.S. humorist
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.
(1894—1961)
U.S. humorist
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
(1894—1961)
U.S. humorist
If I didn't panic when I found out that I was a human being, I'm never going to.
(1894—1961)
U.S. humorist
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
(1894—1961)
U.S. humorist
Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness.
(1894—1961)
U.S. humorist
With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs.
An organized person is one who is too lazy to look for things.
(1949--)
U.S. football playercommentator
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
I got an A in philsophy because I proved that my professor didn't exist.
(1939--)
U.S. golfer
My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
(1828—1910), Russian novelist
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
(1828—1910), Russian novelist
Regard the society of women as a necessary unpleasantness of social life, and avoid it as much as possible.
In all the four corners of the earth one of these three names is given to him who steals from his neighbor: brigand, robber or Englishman
(1939-- )
U.S. actresscomedienne
I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.
(1939--)
U.S. actress
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
(1939--)
U.S. comedian
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
(1939--)
U.S. comedienne
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
(1939--)
U.S. comedienne
No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
(1939--)
U.S. comedienne
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
(1939--)
U.S. comedienne
Whatever goes up must come down, but don't expect it to come down where you can find it.
British prime minister.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
No man is responsible for his father; that is entirely his mother's affair.
"Old Times on the Mississippi," Atlantic Monthly, 1874
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
(1835—1910)
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
(1835—1910)
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
(1835—1910)
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
(1835—1910)
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
(1835—1910)
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
(1835—1910)
I found that my ribbons and geegaws were dragging me down to Hell, so I took them off and gave them to my sister.
(1835—1910)
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
(1835—1910)
If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging?
(1835—1910)
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
(1835—1910)
It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.
(1835—1910)
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
(1835—1910)
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me most are those I do understand.
(1835—1910)
Never put off til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.
(1835—1910)
Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
(1835—1910)
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
(1835—1910)
Such is the human race. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party didn't miss the boat.
(1835—1910)
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
(1835—1910)
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.
(1835—1910)
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without women? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
(1835—1910) (but also attributed to Charles Townsend Copeland)
To eat is human; to digest, divine.
(1835—1910), "Concerning the Jews"
All that I care to know is that a man is a human being--that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.
(1835—1910), Following the Equator, 1897
In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
(1835—1910), Life on the Mississippi
Give an Irishman lager for a month, and he's a dead man. An Irishman is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him.
(1835—1910), Pudd'nhead Wilson
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, December, August, and February.
(1835—1910), Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right.
(1835—1910), Sketches Old and New, 1875
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.
(Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American author)
Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved.
"I know God will not give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
(1910—1997), Albanian-Indiana Catholic missionary
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.
And Nathan, being sick, trusted not in the Lord, but sent for a physician; and Nathan was gathered unto his fathers.
U.S. writer, science consultant
Growing up white and male in this society is like swimming in a salt lake--no matter how rotten you are, it's impossible to sink to the bottom.
(1938--)
U.S. billionaire
Life is like a B-grade movie. You don't want to leave in the middle, but you don't want to see it again.
What's sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey, or the guinea hen.
If one says to thee, "Thou art a donkey," pay no heed. If two speak thus, purchase a saddle.