D

(1867—1936)

U.S. humorist

Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.

(1867—1936)

U.S. humorist

Don't jump on a man unless he's down.

(1867—1936)

U.S. humorist

I think if people marry it ought to be for life; the laws are altogether too lenient with them.

(1867—1936)

U.S. humorist

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it.

(1867—1936)

U.S. humorist

The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here.

(1867—1936)

U.S. humorist

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

(1867—1936)

U.S. journalist

The only good husbands stay bachelors; they're too considerate to get married.

(1867—1936), 1900

U.S. humorist

Ye can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think.

Even if you understood women--you'd never believe it.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?